Imagine you’re sitting in a high-stakes strategy meeting, and the team is struggling to come to a decision. Tensions are rising.

There are raised voices and people talking past each other. One person wants to move fast and take the risk for the possibility of a massive payoff. Someone else is concerned about not having the resources to make this happen. Someone else is worried about what happens if you take the risk, then fail.

Most of us have been in meetings like this. 

But here's the thing - this exact same dynamic plays out inside our own heads every day. We each have what could be described as an inner board of directors that can feel like it holds loud, chaotic meetings anytime, anywhere. Our inner board has lots of opinionated stakeholders showing up to voice their perspectives on every decision you face (maybe as light suggestions, but sometimes in ALL CAPS screams).

I'm going to walk you through how to engage these internal board members as the Chairperson of your own inner board of directors to more effectively navigate big questions and challenging situations.

Meet Your Inner Board

These board members, these 'parts' of ourselves, sometimes work in harmony and we breeze toward clear decisions at work and in life. Other times, these internal parts are in conflict, leaving us feeling stuck or conflicted about what to do next.

Think about the last big decision you faced. Maybe it was about whether to take a new role, if you should pursue a major strategic shift in your business, or when thinking about how to handle a difficult conversation with a peer.

What voices showed up to your board meeting to take a stand?

The first step toward more effective decisions is getting to know who is showing up regularly on your inner board of directors.

Here are some common parts that may resonate:

• A part that questions your expertise and readiness to take on bigger challenges
• A part that immediately spots potential problems and warns of what could go wrong
• A part that puts connection and people's feelings at the center of every decision
• A part that pushes for constant growth, more speed, and measures success through tangible results
• A part that dreams up bold possibilities and wants to innovate
• A part that feels afraid and prefers to stay within comfortable, proven territory

These aren't just random thoughts - they're distinct parts of you that formed likely early in life when beliefs set in about what was safe, desirable, or acceptable.

The most common parts that show up in our day-to-day lives are parts who have taken on the job to protect us from feeling a certain way. Like a part that prefers to stay within comfortable, proven territory is likely trying to protect you from feelings of failure. Or a part that dreams up bold possibilities and wants to innovate may be looking to protect you from boredom, or from feeling less than peers you perceive to be doing amazing things.

Why Understanding Your Parts Matters

As leaders, we're often taught to push aside the parts of us that feel uncertain or afraid. To only listen to the "logical" or "professional" voices. To always project confidence and certainty.

But here's what I've learned through my work with founders and senior leaders, and their organization's boards of directors: trying to ignore, or even silence, select board members doesn't work. When we try to ignore any of our activated parts, they just bang on the table more loudly until we listen to them - which shows up for us as stress, burnout, decision paralysis, or relationship challenges. When our inner board is at war, it's extremely energy intensive for you as the Chairperson, which in turn is very expensive in the currency of mind share and focus.

The Pixar movie Inside Out beautifully illustrates this model of parts. If you've seen it, you might remember how Joy tried to keep Sadness away from the control panel - and how that backfired because all parts need to be heard and valued. Watching Inside Out (even if you’ve already seen it) can be a helpful way to see the dynamics of parts play out visually. 

Becoming an Effective Chairperson

Your inner board of directors needs leadership, and you get to be the Chairperson.

You are the one that gets to make the decisions. It's your job to source perspectives and mine the wisdom of your board members, but ultimately it's your decision.

What I've discovered in my own journey and through working with leaders is that each of these parts, even when they seem to be at odds with each other around the board table, is fundamentally working in service of our well-being. Every part has a positive intention that it feels is the most important thing to design for when you as the Chairperson make decisions. 

Sometimes parts will use outdated or obnoxious strategies to get your attention. Learning to be an effective chairperson of your inner board means pausing to listen compassionately to source wisdom from each member, even if it's not apparent on the surface that they have a valuable perspective. It's no coincidence that this is also a core trait of effective leaders in our outer, professional worlds.

You might be surprised to find that the simple act of compassionate listening is sometimes enough for a part to soften and take a step back from what was a strongly held (and loud) belief.

When you do this work of pausing to listen, something remarkable can happen: you feel more whole, more integrated, and free up capacity to redirect to other areas of your work and life. The goal isn't to achieve perfect harmony among board members - that's rarely possible. Instead, it's about:

1. Recognizing when different board members have strong opinions
2. Compassionately approaching with curiosity to understand the wisdom and value that each member is trying to contribute toward our success
3. Finding ways to acknowledge their wisdom while still moving forward as the ultimate decision maker

Practice: Your Inner Board Reset

While working with parts is most transformative in a coaching relationship where you have support to explore and understand these dynamics deeply, there are powerful ways to begin this work on your own. Here's a practice to begin working with parts when you're in the middle of swirling thoughts, strong emotions, or facing a big decision.

1. Identifying what's most active

Pick one strong emotion or clear opinion that's loudly circling in your head right now. Try reframing it to say "A part of me feels..." instead of "I feel..." This small shift helps you to dis-identify from the emotion, while still acknowledging and appreciating it for what it's trying to do for you.

2. Noticing your relationship to it

Notice how you're relating to this part.

Are you:

• Becoming the part - this can feel like the part is "in the driver seat" and it's your entire experience right now. It might feel like you are flooded with the emotions or thoughts of the part.
• Trying to change the part - this can look like getting mad at it, distracting yourself from it, arguing or trying to negotiate with it, judging or criticizing it, or pushing past it.
• Turning towards the part - feeling that you as a human are "more than" just this part. This can look like accepting it, feeling curious and caring towards it, maybe even valuing what it is trying to do for you.

3. Approaching with curiosity

If you can access some curiosity, try asking your part some questions:

• How are you feeling today?
• What would you like me to know about how it is for you? What else?
• What is your role on this board? How do you try to help me?
• What are you afraid will happen if you don't play this role for me?

4. Repeat with any other active emotions or thoughts

Repeat this practice with any other strong emotions or swirling thoughts that are present. Remember to thank each part for sharing with you. Just like our team members, or family or our friends, parts want to know that their contribution is valued, even if you don't always follow their advice.

5. Reflect on learnings

To close out the practice, reflect on what perspectives you've gained about the situation at hand:

• Are there any new perspectives I heard that I hadn't considered before now?
• Did I learn anything that changes how I feel about what I'm in the middle of?
• Where else in your life might these parts also be showing up with strong opinions? (hint: they are probably not limiting themselves to only showing up with this)
• How might you feel gratitude toward these parts for the roles they are trying to play in helping you thrive?

Two important notes for this practice:

• The key when in dialogue with parts is to appreciate them, letting them know you're grateful for their good intentions toward helping you thrive. This helps build a non-adversarial relationship. 
• If you find yourself judging or wanting to change the part, that's normal. Just notice that reaction, and maybe even turn your attention to that part of you that judging and advocating for something different

With practice, working with parts as a solo exercise can be a powerful tool for self-awareness and intentionality when we find ourselves spinning, or stuck.

Like any leadership skill, this takes practice - but the payoff in clearer decision-making, reduced stress, and more authentic leadership is profound. I've witnessed this transformation both personally, and in my work with founders and senior leaders who have learned to skillfully engage with their parts and maintain clear headedness as the Chairperson of their board.

Note: this model of working with parts is derived from the work of Internal Family Systems.